Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Kucinich joins the race

March 25, 2008
COLUMBUS, OH (AP) – Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced his intention to run for King of the Internet last Friday. The announcement took place at a charity luncheon held in his hometown of Columbus, Ohio.

“I see a need in the Internet – a need for integrity, for upstanding citizenship,” Kucinich remarked in his speech. “As Supreme Authoritative Ruler of the Internet, I will restore honesty to this monarchy. I will be a King you can count on.”

Kucinich mentioned several campaign platforms in his speech, the war in Iraq and Internet welfare being the most prominent.

“I am against the war and have always been against the war, and I am the only candidate in this race who has been so,” Kucinich said to applause. “I promise that I will immediately pull all troops out of the Internet as soon as I am King.”

Kucinich also highlighted his proposed Internet welfare program, which he promised to force upon all his subjects if elected King.

“There are people out there, from Asia to Africa, from Alaska to Australia, that just do not receive the blessings of the Internet,” Kucinich said. “Is that because they are bad people? To those on the other side of the aisle that would suggest such – I shake my head.” Kucinich then shook his head. “Every man, woman, child and person on this planet deserves the Internet, and I propose a program that will give it to them.”

Kucinich is the second figure in a week to announce his candidacy for King of the Internet, college sophomore Carl Duzett entering the race last Wednesday.

Duzett has selected fellow college student Chase Adams as his Running Mate, and Sean Gustafson as candidate for Court Jester. While Kucinich is yet to announce a candidate for Court Jester, there is speculation of a Kucinich/Clinton “super ticket,” which ex-president Bill Clinton predicted to be “unstoppable.” However, many bloggers question if the Internet is ready for a woman Court Jester.

Hillary spokesperson Phil Singer denied any connection with Kucinich’s campaign.

“Congressman Kucinich has not made any contact with Senator Clinton about running as Court Jester,” Singer said this morning. “She is spending her efforts and focus right now on her campaign for President. She would, however, be the candidate with the most experience, having appeared on Saturday Night Live, unlike her current opponent. If Kucinich were to call even at three in the morning, Clinton would doubtless be the most experienced woman to answer the call.”

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