Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Everything You Need To Know

Over the last eight months, I’ve seen a...healthy amount of teenage chick flicks. They are...thoughtful, inspired, intelligent exposés of teenage life, and, obviously, of life in general. Here is the wisdom I’ve been taught:

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED BY WATCHING TONS OF TEENAGE CHICK FLICKS:


1. It’s not your looks that are important, but who you are on the inside, especially when you’re being played by Lindsey Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Anne Hathaway, Hilary Duff, or Mandi Moore.

2. When life gets hard, you just need to power on through it by having a fairy godmother/rich royal relative/understanding father/presidential father/sensitive boyfriend.

3. The best way to resolve every complication in your life at once is by making a heartfelt speech in a large public setting, to everyone, including random strangers who have no idea who you are but who will still nod their heads in understanding as you talk vainly about yourself.

4. Popularity doesn’t mean anything—except that you’re a jerk.

5. Never feel like you need to change yourself. Unless you do. In that case, a radical wardrobe switch will do the trick (see number 2).

6. Someone always has a crush on you.

7. While looks aren’t important (see number 1), your true love will always be good-looking, anyway. Not that that’s important.

8. You shouldn’t judge others and fit them into stereotypes.

9. Cheerleaders are always freaking jerks, unless you’re a cheerleader.

10. When you make a mistake, everyone will eventually forgive you and you’ll come to a greater understanding of your true self (which was pretty awesome in the first place, anyway). This will all happen at the same time (see number 3).

Well, I have to go now. I’m off to find a fairy godmother/rich royal relative who’s willing to buy me a new wardrobe so that I can better understand that it’s my inside which is important, giving me enough maturity to have a sexy significant other.

3 comments:

Ella said...

Wow. I can't believe you're watching that kind of stuff. I stopped right around 9th grade.

Anyway, I've been watching a lot of "guy" movies lately (Evan got ahold of our Netflix queue) and these are the main five points:

1. Nazis are bad.
2. It's always, always, always, the red wire.
3. You can pull off just about any crime as long as you're in a snazzy suit, i.e., robbing a casino or bank, pretending to be someone you're not, charming people into cons, etc.
4. If you duck low enough, exploding things won't hurt you, even if you're right next to them.
5. A hot girl who also happens to be a genius forensic scientist, con artist, or whatever, is always a handy tool.

Carl Duzett said...

I'll have you know that I only watch them because my wife wants to. I'll admit to liking A Cinderella Story, though, as well as one of the Amanda Bynes movies.

And I never noticed that ducking thing before, but you are absolutely right.

Schmetterling said...

Fantastic post. I really like it. Good luck with finding a fairy godmother or rich relative--but, hey, you've already got a sexy significant other riiiight???