Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Tea Partiers Are Going To Hell

I came upon this essay I wrote a year ago. Before anybody asks, yes, I was being totally serious as I wrote this.

I visited Hell recently—-for purely journalistic purposes—-and was struck by a perplexing oddity. Everyone there was conservative. There in the outer circles of the Inferno itself were throngs of conservatives waving tea bags around, their arms wreathed in the eternal flames of damnation. In fact, the entire road I took to get there, the road to Hell, was paved with conservatives and tax breaks.

I mentioned that this was a perplexing oddity. This was a mistake, because anyone with half a brain would see this coming from a mile. Can there be any wonder as to why a collection of people as deranged, hateful, and wicked as conservatives has reservations in the Underworld? No. That was the answer to my question. The answer is no, there cannot be any wonder.

It is only fitting that anyone willing to protest things like justice, happiness and joy be condemned to an eternity of skinny-dipping sessions in the lake of fire and brimstone. Coincidentally, those are the very things that swelled within my breast upon being blessed with that sight: justice, happiness, and joy.

This message of happiness and joy is what I wish to take from this experience and then give to you. The knowledge gleaned from the sight of conservative flesh writhing in infinite agony can bring peace to us all. Unless you are conservative.

It is easy to become emotionally overcome by the sheer wickedness of these political sinners. It is easy to entertain the dark, hopeless thought of God reaching out and smiting the world with slightly warmer temperatures because of the actions of these devilspawn. But after fact-checking with the PR guy in outer darkness, I am here to tell you that your thirst for justice will be sated and all those obnoxious tea partiers are going to Hell.

All that is wrong in the universe, including pride, avarice, tea partiers, gluttony, and Alaska, will be set aright in the last days.

So when you see the craven mobs of depraved souls stirring not just their tea but hate and dissent, find comfort in the knowledge that at the end of this mortal sojourn, those losers are going to burn in Hell.

Carl Duzett is also the author of “Conservatives are Evil,” “Satan has Private Health Insurance,” and “Joe the Plumber: Horseman of the Apocalypse.”