On the Republican Debate

The players:

Hermain Cain: As everyone's introducing themselves, Hermain Cain is proud to be the only candidate who is “NOT a politician.” Which means he has no idea what's going on. Godspeed, Herman.

Ron Paul: I don't really have much to say here, because the real joke is on the other side of the colon.

Michelle Bachmann: Surprising everyone, Ms. Bachmann anounces during the debate that she's – get this – running for president. I think everyone expected her to come to a presidential debate and not run for president. This is a twist of Shyamalanian proportions.

Tim Pawlenty: I guess this guy governed Minnesota. Now he's running for president. Too bad his name is Tim.

Mitt Romney: The supposed frontrunner. Mormon who likes Boston. Also, his first name is “Ttim” backwards. There are no coincidences in this primary.

Newt Gingrich: The adult chaperon of the candidates. Fresh off a relaxing vacation and the consequent quitting of his campaign staff, he's ready to drop some knowledge on these hooligan youngsters.

Rick Santorum: I literally had to google this guy's name because every time he talked I thought he was a Tim Pawlenty sock puppet. Mini-Tim, which, as we all know, is Mit-Inim backwards. What does it mean? (And yes, that's all the thought I was willing to spend on Rick Santorum.)

The debate opens with everyone arguing over who can refer to their spouse by first name most casually, who has the most kids, and who irrationally loves New Hampshire the most.

The moderator is Michael King, who works for CNN. Let's just say that he puts the “moderate” into “moderator,” and then some. His questions seemed a little charged at times. Are we sure he's not also running for president? His job apparently entails interrupting the candidates' every other words with “um” “ah” or “okay,” and poking them with sticks and trying to get them to fight each other. It felt as if he gets paid by the number of questions he asks.

The debate was pretty tame, with most of the argument being about who could create the most elaborate analogy for how Obama's destroyed the economy. (Cain won with a train analogy which involved the engine, fuel, caboose, and some chairs on top with your grandchildren in them that get tipped over into a river.) They also fought over who could thank the military and their families the most.

This debate did teach us a lot, though, such as the fact that Republican candidates prefer spicy and/or deep dish food while they watch American Idol on their Blackberries, as opposed to mild and/or thin crust food while watching Dancing With The Stars on iPads. The candidates were very wishy-washy on the Elvis vs. Johnny Cash issue, however, and failed to make any stance at all on Leno vs. Conan. Obviously a weak field, amirite?

WINNERS:
Mitt Romney. Lead the field going into the debate and didn't manage to lose any ground by preferring spicy wings to mild. It also didn't hurt that all seven candidates generally agreed that they were all awesome, refused to disagree with each other, and were ordering a printing of “Republican Candidates Class of '11” tee shirts afterwards so they could all sign each other's backs.

Newt Gingrich. Showed everyone that you don't need a campaign staff to be smart. It almost makes me think that going on week-long vacations could increase your intellect, if it weren't for some rather presidential evidence to the contrary.

Ron Paul: If the Republican nomination were up to the Internet, Ron Paul would win hands down. You can't google anything about this debate without reading a zillion thumbsed-up comments about how awesome Old Man Paul is. But if everyone on the Internet loves Ron Paul, why don't they ever show up to the polls and vote for him? They get too sucked into facebook on voting day?

LOSERS:

Tim Pawlenty. Was given several chances to try to close his gap on Romney but didn't go for it. It ended up making him look a little spineless.

Rick Santorum. Boring guy with fake voice intonation who looks and sounds like Tim Pawlenty, which is not as helpful as it sounds. Oh wait, that didn't sound very helpful at all.

Herman Cain. Sounds good on domestic policy issues, thanks to sayings from his grandmother and oddly elaborate analogies. His two-pronged foreign policy strategy, however, is apparently “problem solving” and “not being Barack Obama.” And I thought those were the same prong.

ENIGMAS:

Michelle Bauchmann. Everything she said sounded a little rehearsed, and I got the feeling that she didn't get the memo that this was actually a presidential debate, not a Tea Party rally. But it's not like she said anything wrong or stupid. I mean, she can't pick between Elvis and Johnny Cash – but can you, dear reader? Please note the beam in your own eye before you throw the first stone. (The answer is Cash, btw. That first stone is mine.)