Facebook Monopolizes Existence

Coming back from my mission I was introduced to Facebook, and ever since I first heard about it I've had my qualms. I worried that this artificial social utility could actually replace true sociality and eventually even control reality. Not surprisingly, I was 100% dead on. Facebook now has the power to tell you whether or not you exist.

Aside from this apocalyptic, 1984-ish announcement, I also have some excellent news. The Portland Trail Blazers have won 10 games in a row! This is exciting. For those unfamiliar with the Blazers, let me give you a brief history. They're better known as the Jail Blazers. Their players, over the past 7 years, have been charged with dog fighting, marijuana possession, drunk driving, driving without a license, bar fights, drag racing, wife abuse, and eating babies alive. Paul Allen, the owner of Nike, decided to fire the general manager and clean up the team's image. The first thing they did to get rid of the "Jail Blazer" image was draft somebody named Outlaw. Oh, boy. Anyway, several years later, they've finally gotten rid of all their talented criminals and now have a bunch of untalented young folks (including that Outlaw fellow, who apparently is actually a nice kid). Since the Blazers are now a bunch of Dudley Do-Rights who have a hard time putting a ball through a hoop, everybody expected them to suck this year. A lot. But thanks to a guy named Brandon Roy, last year's rookie of the year, they're near the top of their division, on a ten game winning streak and on pace for playoffs. I love Brandon Roy. In a totally heterosexual way, of course.

Portland fans are finally coming out of the woodworks and getting together, now feeling like they can root for a team which isn't just as likely to shoot them as win a basketball game. We're going crazy. Somebody said they were actually crying at the end of tonight's game, it was so emotional for them. I won't admit to that, but the whole thing's been pretty intense. It's like a giant mob of Blazer fan happiness. (What kind of a sentence is that?) Anyway, I just wanted to say the word "mob" so that I could somehow transition into this link, which is really a keeper.

In other news, I see that six people have now voted on the poll. (Yes, six. Someone voted for Hamlet twice, dangit.) Let me remind y'all that there are only, like, four or five days left on this epic poll. It's basically a dead heat. Let all your friends know about this controversial topic. Let them express their opinions. And make them express their opinions.

Anyway, everyone enjoy the Happiest of Christmases and the Merriest of New Years.