Thursday, March 20, 2008

Unprecedented campaign draws mixed reactions

March 20, 2008
PROVO, UT (AP) - Three days after the announcement, major media is questioning BYU sophomore Carl Duzett's viability as a candidate for King of the Internet.

Columnists such as New York Time's Bob Herbert and The Washington Post's Robert D. Novak have raised concerns about the logistical controversy of someone actually running for King of the Internet.

"Duzett runs a completely unprecedented campaign," Novak writes in this morning's column. "Not only am I unsure as to who votes, but I don't even know when to vote. Are votes even involved here? And is there anyone else even running?"

There is currently no clear political opponent for Duzett's campaign for ultimate monarchy of the digital realm. Though according to prominent blogger Flyspeck, there are rumors floating through the world wide web that Dennis Kucinich will announce his candidacy for the vaunted position after his early exit from the Democratic primaries.

According to campaign insiders, Kucinich is expected to address the issue at a luncheon held Friday in his hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.

Meanwhile, US presidential candidates have begun to weigh in on the issue.

Margaret Spellings, Ralph Nader campaign adviser, claims that the race for King of the Internet will negatively effect the country.

"It's unfortunate that Duzett and Kucinich are doing this, intentionally drawing attention to this imaginary contest. They're essentially stealing votes from Nader's campaign. They're hurting the chances of the Green Party reclaiming the White House this year, and frankly, it's selfish."

Obama chief strategist David Axelrod lashed out at Duzett this morning for plagiarization.

"When I read the press release of Duzett's announcement, I did a double-take," Axelrod told the Associated Press. "Entire lines of Duzett's speech were copied from Senator Obama's remarks in New Hampshire. Duzett is just trying to take advantage of Obama's momentum and popularity in his own campaign, and it's unethical and incorrect, and even wrong."

Obama's speech in question recently came under attack itself for being lifted from similar speeches by Governor Deval Patrick of Massachusets.

"That is an unfair claim," Duzett said in response to Axelrod's comments. "I stole those lines from Governor Patrick months before Obama ever did."

When asked whether it was actually possible to run for King of the Internet, Duzett read from a prepared press release.

"You're going to hear a chorus of cynics," Duzett said. "And they will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks and months to come. We've been warned against offering the people of the Internet false hope for a monarchal future. But in the unlikely story that is the Internet, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds, when we've been told we're not ready or that we shouldn't try or that we can't, generations have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can."


Ella said...

oh my goodness, you officially have too much free time.

Carl Duzett said...

Too much free time is essential to being King of the Internet.